i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
