Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
