I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
