Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize