Can i not drive my cunt home
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
