Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
