i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
