Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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