I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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