Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
