I wish I could teleport
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize