next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
