So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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