you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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