Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
