So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
