I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
