Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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