It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
