My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
