nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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