i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
