oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
50% drunk capacity currently
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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