I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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