My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
