Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
