Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
