I'm gonna have a badass scar
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
