I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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