if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
