I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
