I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize