I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
