I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
