Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
