I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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