I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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