I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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