I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
