Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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