I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
