my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
no, he came in my armpit
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
