How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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