mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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