You really coming over, don't trick.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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