chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
