On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
