I hate your face
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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