Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize