I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
