I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
