Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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