Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
