this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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