I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
