I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
