Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
