1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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