My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
