I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
