i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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