Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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