Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
