I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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