worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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