I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
