my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
