You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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